past summer I spent a nice evening with this cute blonde girl from school. We
decided to go to the boardwalk for an enjoyable brisk evening walk but we took
one thing for granted: we’re from Central Jersey and when the moon comes out at
night, the Guidos roam the boardwalks. We couldn’t walk anywhere without
inhaling the scent of Axe bodyspray, and it was clear my date was very
uncomfortable. We decided to leave and ironically enough the shortened trip
sparked the longest conversation of the evening. She looked over to me from the
passenger side of my car and asked, “Do you think Guidos have feelings?”
Throughout our ride we came up with numerous answers.
First, we spoke about Guidos and if they felt any physical pain. The answers went back and forth but we decided that the final answer was no. Because roughly forty percent of a Guido’s entire life is spent sweating over a pair of ninety five pound dumbbells, they aren’t really subject to any type of physical pain. The amount of hormones that rage through each steroid infested body acts as a shield to all forms of achiness that plagues dorks, dweebs, and bitches.
Then, we began speaking about Guidos and if they ever felt any type of emotional distraught. Initially we talked about Guidos and the poor, helpless souls that Guidos hunt night- in and night-out, otherwise known as females. A true Guido doesn’t dwell on rejection, they continue on from girl to girl and bar to bar. Even if a Guido is in a long time relationship that ends, they just go back to their lives of bar jumping in order to ease their minds. After realizing this it seemed as if there was no case for the feeble Guido species. Then the cute headed blonde girl explained something to me that proves that Guidos have feelings too. Guidos are merely emotional about different things than most people. If a Guido wakes up and his bottle of hair gel is empty, the tears don’t stop flowing. If you scuff up their kicks, double book their tanning booth, or the Yagermeister runs low a proverbial knife goes right through their hearts.
It’s a common misconception that Guidos have no sympathy, are douche bags, or are cyborgs. Guidos are people too! They just don’t care what’s going on with you, me, or anyone else. Their feelings are prevalent, yet they just have to do with anything else in the world except their own selfish reasons. The story had a bittersweet ending though as I got a nice goodnight kiss and a second date. The only problem was we bypassed the boardwalk the next night so the Guidos couldn’t save my new relationship for another day.